Where do I begin …

I know this post has been a bit delayed (and I greatly appreciate the eagerness from all of my followers to hear of baby Aylah’s arrival), but to say this is the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and gather my thoughts would be an understatement. I try to share tidbits of my personal life on the blog from time to time because I want my clients to know who I am as a person and not just the “professional” side of me.  I debated back and forth how much of this story I wanted to share, and I’ve concluded that the things we experience in life are what make us who we are … and I’ve always wanted to be someone that’s open and real.  So here goes nothing … a transparent story of a first time mom and what amounted to be the most challenging and emotional week of my life.

Our precious little princess was born last Sunday morning, November 4th at 5:06am weighing 6lbs 14oz.  My labour and delivery was pretty text book and she arrived healthy and happy (and screaming her little lungs out).  What happened next changed everything …

After the delivery we were brought up to our room at McMaster (PS. the Victorian room is totally worth the upgrade cost).  Immediately after setting our bags down on the bed I was determined to get out of the hospital gown and into my own clothes … I just wanted to feel like me again, and nothing was going to slow me down … not even the fact that I still had a bit of lingering epidural weighing down my legs.  Nevertheless, I grabbed my clothes and headed into the bathroom without asking anyone for help (one of my major personality flaws, and a lesson that I hope to learn from the nightmare that followed).

Excited that I could bend in the middle again and put my own pants on, I proceeded to do so with gusto … but as I lifted my leg to get my foot in the pant hole I heard an audible ripping noise and immediate excruciating pain in my groin.  I have pulled muscles many times before, but this was different … I knew I had done something very bad and that it was serious.  As most pulled muscles go, it was moderately sore at first, but as the hours passed it got worse and worse and worse to the point where I could no longer lift my feet off the floor … I was officially bed ridden.  Thus began my nightmare.

The feeling of helplessness and desperation that comes over you when your brand new baby is crying in the bassinet 2 feet away from you and you can’t get to her … there’s nothing you can do … you can’t move.  The pain was unbearable, none of the meds were helping … I felt the next best thing to paralyzed from the waist down and every time I moved an inch I wanted to scream.  But what made it so much worse was the fact that I did this to myself … it was my fault.  My labour and delivery was fine … all of the fears that I had about complications and difficulties didn’t come to pass, and then I went and did this stupid thing that has completely ruined my ability to care for my child.  The guilt was almost more unbearable than the physical pain.  I was inconsolable.  It shook my very core … and I’m tearing up now reliving the emotional meltdowns that filled the next 4 days.

The staff at McMaster were amazing … they did everything they could to make me feel more comfortable, but unfortunately none of it helped at all.  It was just something I was going to have to deal with and wait for it to heal.  After seeking help from my massage therapist, it was determined that I severely pulled my adductors, which are a grouping of groin muscles that affect everything from your lower back and hips down to your feet on both sides.  I am now intimately aware of how connected things are in the human anatomy … who knew that something as “simple” as a pulled groin could mean that your lower back would completely seize up and you wouldn’t be able to lift your foot off the floor …

I know I don’t have to lay out the difficulties and challenges of the first few days and nights of caring for a newborn … as many of you have experienced it first hand, or have at least heard enough stories to get the idea.  So now combine that with a mother who can’t move … at all.  Here is where I’m going to start to tear up again …

My husband is the most amazing man that I will ever know and I have no idea what I did to deserve him.  As we sat in the hospital bed, and I bawled my eyes out with sheer frustration and desperation, he was the glue that held me together.  He became the sole caretaker for our new baby girl, not having any idea what he was doing … and he did it with strength and confidence … confidence like I’ve never witnessed before.  He catered to an inconsolable new mom with compassion and understanding and patience.  He went into survival mode for our family and because of him, I knew that we would make it … I knew that we would come out on the other side …

Many of the real challenges didn’t come until after we were discharged.  It took 3 adults (not including myself) to get me up to the top floor of my home, where I would stay for almost a week.  I needed assistance with everything … I felt completely useless.  Words can’t begin to express my gratitude for all of the phenomenal people in our lives that stepped in to help us through this tough time.  They all deserve a special honourable mention … my mom and my mother-in-law who have put in more hours helping us care for Aylah than I can count, my best friend Rachel who was there for the birth and took care of all of the logistics so that Craig could just focus on me, my sister-in-law Jen and brother-in-law Kevin who made sure that we had warm home cooked dinners for an entire week, my massage therapist Karen who was willing to treat me in my home since I wasn’t mobile, and my amazing midwife Jessica who delivered my baby girl safely and continues to take care of us now that we’re home.

I am happy to say that on Friday I felt strong enough to attempt the stairs in my home and I successfully made it down to the main level of the house.  Today I actually left the house for the first time, and I’m beginning to feel like a normal person again.  I’m still hobbling my way along, but I’m well on my way to complete recovery.

Thank you so much for all of the well wishes that I have received via email and facebook, even though there has been no information or pictures shared up to this point.  All of your kind words, thoughts and prayers have been putting smiles on my face all week as I see them pop up in my inbox.  I appreciate your patience in waiting for this announcement as I didn’t want to just slap a random cell phone picture onto facebook … I wanted to share our story and express my gratitude properly.

My sweet little girl is absolutely perfect and we couldn’t be more smitten with her!!  She stole our hearts the minute she came out and our little family is now complete.  Stay tuned for MANY more pictures as I will be spending lots of time with my peanut in the studio this coming week.

Without further ado … introducting … Aylah Lux Miller.